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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Toupee



What I can't understand is how the French get away with a toupee.

I mean, are they not hairy enough as it is?

Could they not use their excess pit hair for their head? - but same issue, they already have too much hair so don't need it!

What I do grant credit to the French for, is the fact that a toupee looks fake and stupid, which I have got to admit, suits the French down to the ground!!

Friday, August 18, 2006

France on Romance



It would not be right to blog about France without mentioning their reputation for romance and passion... or perhaps it is perceived as desperation and loneliness? Wanting to create a better life for themselves than slumming it in a dead end country such as France.

They pride themselves on being one of the world's most passionate naitonalities, but for us other nationalities we see that as obession and ownership. After all this is a nation of churning out baby making machines, there is nothing else to do in France, except talk to the cattle and pull the legs of frogs!

Saying the French are romantic is like saying Hitler was a saint!

French Metro


What is worse than walking around Paris with garlic sniffing rats??

Being underground in downtown Paris with garlic sniffing rats!! Hmm Cheesy!!

Can you imagine the height of summer, all those hairy pits and sweat perspiring like a Tsunami swallowing at the Isle of White...Voila! Welcome to gay Paris...

French Impressionist Art


I bring to you the French culture, ok well as cultured as the French can get! Impressionist art, a true reflection of french mentality in an artistic capacity.

You will notice how this looks like scribble. A Creche Leader has let the kids go wild with hand painining, crayola and felt tip pens.

It is common to see such muck cluttering up and typical french farm house, cos' all the french live in one of them!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Are the French bananas?



...Ok so we know that they are bananas in sense that they are simple, thick and stupid, but is this fruit a true representation of the French Nation?

Opposed to this is the notion that the banana has no facial hair, it takes pride in it's appearance. Likewise it does not smell of unpleasantness as a French person does, as well as the fact that it cannot speak! Another good feature is the fact that a banana is healthy and we know full well that most French people are chain smoking heavy weights that eat grease.

There are some similarities however...When a banana goes off it smells like a French person, it has freckles and fruit acne like a french person, but most importantly and something I will not comment any further upon is the fact that a banana is easy to strip...think about that!!

Friday, August 04, 2006

French Wine



The French took the phrase 'getting pissed' too literally when they invented wine! Why would you want to drink carbonated piss like Champagné??!!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Retro Posting!!!

Just thought i'd put a classic comment made some time last year right to the top of the blog!!!!

Enjoy!!!!

Some French Insults De-bunked!!!

You are not friendly - then why do we have more friends then you??
You love money more than people - That’s why our economy is much much stronger then yours you communists
You are vain - No we WASH!!
You do not speak languages - We do, English, it's not like we need to speak other languages is it!
You have children when you are teenagers - It's just testament to our fantastic way of life, Liberal conservatism!! Besides we don't farm them out as prostitutes at age 9
You shoot innocent men - No we protect ourselves, we don't like to be blown up but if you want to be go for it!!
You eat dinner too early - That’s because we don't want to make ourselves ill
You think a good night is watching TV - And we have produced some of the worlds finest actors and actresses, any French TV worth watching??
You do not accept people's opinions - That’s because we are right.
You think you rule the world - Notice all the red bits on this map
You love America and the Americans - That’s because we realise we can get a lot more with them then against them!
Your cows have BSE - we are on an island so it must have come from France because cows don't fly
You agree with the war in Iraq - No we agree with freedom
You do not have many friends - erm we do your just jealous
You do not know how to treat women - well we don't sleep around... as much, you just sleep with anything with a pulse
You never travel - thats why we conqured half the world
You are always in a rush and never have time for your friends - hang on a minute you said we don't have any friends so what is this question all about??
You think beauty is the most important thing - well we don't like sleeping with dogs and coughing up furballs
English women are "bitchy" - French women are bitchy mainly due to the fact they have as much hair as dogs
English men are arrogant – No, confident, and with good reason too
You always make excuses - because we don't like to upset people... unless they are French
You do not make an effort to know us - I wonder why??
You think you are funny but you are immature - No we are funny, There are many famous English comedians and none that are French
You do not eat proper food it is plastic It will make you ill! - Yeah like snails and frogs legs don't!!
You do not like culture - Yet we have the richest culture in the world!
Your country is dirty - No we have proper drainage and something called hygiene!!
You have no morals - You have none you lie and are deceitful
You drive the cars that we engineer! - FUCK OFF!!! Aston Martin or Renault, Jaguar or Citroen??
Your Prime Minister is an idiot - agreed
You pay tax for everything, you never earn money - that’s why we are richer then you is it??
There is nothing to do in England - but more attractions per square mile then any other country in the world!
You love Paris but do not admit it - No it's full of dirt and racist people
You get mugged - You've been mugged by Germany, TWICE!!
Your country has lots of criminals - So we sent them to Australia
Fish and Chips are horrible - As are frogs legs and Snails
You have shit weather - well at least we don't have forest fires all the time
You drive dangerously - We drive fast, not dangerously, if you want dangerous stand by the side of the arc de triumph and watch
You do not accept Europe and will not join us you are the outsiders - No we just know what’s right for us
You are selfish - And RICH!!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Dunkirk Evacuation



As with the world wars, I think it is about time that the UK launched a rescue mission, to rescue anyone living in France that isn't French. It would be a mass exodus of normal people, leaving a pathetic country which quite honestly has a leader in charge who is a bloody liability.

It would be as big as the Dunkirk rescues. Either that, or the French should be shipped out of France and put on a rocket and put on the moon.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Blair, Chirac and Jesus



I was sorry to read about the ongoing conflict between Israel and the Lebanon.

True to form the self-righteous arse-wipe of a French PM called Chirac has to stick his ore in!! Not content with being seen as the world's biggest prat, Chirac has decided being the diplomatic and impartial politician that he is, to take sides in a middle east crisis and yet another war, that he will take sides with one of these crazy bastards! Cos' hey, that's not opening your country up to a whole load of crap is it??!! He has decided to support Jesus Land (Israel) as relaxed and easily as picking a football team to support in a minor league football match.

I am sorry for Israel and the Lebanon during their conflict, but the country likely to be in the most amount of shit here is France, all thanks to Mr Nappy Rash here!!

Friday, July 14, 2006

French Drains



France, this is what your drains smell of! Dog Poo, Egg, Methane, Trout, Garlic, Tuna, Prawns (gone off), Nappy, Soiled Tena Lady, B.O., Gone off Spinach, Cabbages, Smelly Trainers, Vomit mixed with carrots and damp.

Your country pongs!!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Bastille Day

Congratulations to the French - Happy Bastille Day!! The reason I congratulate you??? - It is because you are celebrating more violence - the storming of the Bastille!!! Don't you love violent behaviour in your country!!!

And do you know what I find really fun? Your reason to do this was to gain freedom from your monarchy!! - SO, I pose this to you - Why the hell to you lick the arses of the EU and let them dictate you instead??

You are complete muppets

Zidane - A true role model for the French nation



It would not be appropriate to have this blog without ripping the piss out of this jerk!

He is a true sign of the messed up, emotional mind of a Frenchman. To violently head butt the Italian guy, just shows the growing anger management issues experienced in this country. Is it any wonder that the youth of France have become increasingly anti-social, burning and demolishing their own country (fair do's probably the best thing you could do with it!). To be giving the golden ball is a piss take. This man deserves to be banned from playing football for life because he could not control his temper and behaved like a thug. He has no social skills and quite frankly he should surrender now!!

The French throw their toys out the pram....



Here is a fascinating fact for you all. It is law in France that all dolls have human faces, therefore good old American characters such as ET are outlawed.

Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your life? My theory is that the French feel threatened. You see, ET is indeed ugly, as are the entire French population. The difference is, that a doll can't speak, whereas a French person opens their mouth and speaks bollocks. Enough said!

To further my conclusion, you may alsi consider that the French also hate themselves. They have a law so they don't have to look at their ugly mutts in every shop they walk into.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Horse Meat


Not content with amphibians, the French also enjoy a succulent marinated horse meat. I think it is fair to say they are not vegetarians. Perhaps it is a post "ride" activity to eat your playmate. To be frank with you, I really don't fany eating a horses arse.

French People - Leave the poor animals alone, just cos' your greedy fat lards it doesn't mean the rest of us are!

Friday, June 09, 2006

Offical World Cup Team Photo




Some images take no explaining...

Give me fever...


Give me fever...Frenchie you certainly do that, and it isn't a fever of an erotic kind, I consider it to be more like the plague actually.

As the French prepare to waste valuable time (when they could be baking baguettes or pulling legs of frogs) supporting what can only be described as a hopeless case - France. As if they stand a hope in hell winning the world cup. There is more chance of Hitler coming back to life and becoming a Christian Aid Worker in a Jewish Disability Centre for Blondes!!

France - wake up!!

France: Rubbish


Ahhh poor frenchie, all alone again?? Hardly surprising though. Even the usually shit thick French know there football team is crap! Just look at the facts.

How many wins did France get in World Cup 2002: 0
How many points did France get in Group A at World Cup 2002: 1 (owwww a draw! well done!)
How many goals did France score during World Cup 2002: 0!!!

Conclusion: France is Shit!!!!

And no one can come up with the argument that France must be good because they've won the world cup before........ 'Cos so have Uruguay!!

Monday, June 05, 2006

French Cock



You may think I am being rude here! It is very easy to be rude about France and the French!! As a symbol of national pride, nations often used animals to represent them, England for example, uses the lion a ferocious, strong and powerful creature, which symbolises what the country stands for - strength, wealth, power, determination. An excellent sporting icon.

What do you suppose the French feel represents them? - The Cock! Basically even the French think their country is cock and take the piss out of themselves. Can you imagine the really wild shows battle of the nations? The strong, determined, predator lions verses the seed eating, egg laying, cock sucking cocks??!!! Why would a nation represent themselves as a cock? - Perhaps it is because this nation is France!!

A French Bulldog



Compare to my post about a british bulldog!...Voila! You will notice that this resembles a weak little weasal - a symbol of French pride and dignity.

"France and nation born to lose!"

A British Bulldog



This is a british bulldog - you will notice the aggression and the evil expression it has. It was born to attack

Au Pair

Ever wondered why all french women take jobs as an au pair?

Well there are several fundamental reasons!

1) To escape France and live in a better country
2) To have a relationship with the man of the house
3) To put off getting a proper job and piss around for a few years
4) To sponge of the country they are living in
5) To gain a new client base
6) They know their place and don't mind being slaves for a few years
7) To see what real countries are all about
8) To meet people with a personality and actually have a laugh
9) To talk to children who are on the same mentality and communication basis as them
10) Tp escape the danger of their country, i.e. the riots and frogs

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A Cheesey Little Post



Just when you thought the smell couldn't get any worse.....

The french come up with this load of crap aka 'Le Roule'! This cheese is a great metaphore for the French nation, because this cheese is nothing but a load of crap rolled up with a fancy little bit in the middle! I mean seriously, what nation thinks its a good idea to mix both chives and strawberrys in the same cheese!

I'm so wound up by this i've penned a new nickname for the French..........



les fromages incompétents

if you don't know what that means click here

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

French Advert 2

The first in the French advert series!!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Never Trust a French Pilot!!




So you've finally seen the light and decied you need to get away from France. Great! But how do you do it?? Well you can swim, make a small raft, walk across the border. All are valid escape routes if a little slow and dangerous! Well the best way by far is to fly!! Simple really you get on a plane and fly away, but then you realise a deadly fact..... The plane you boreded is an Air France jet! Chances are by the time you realise you are strapped in with the doors locked! Well if you have your feet firmly on terra firma then enjoy this compendium of French aeronautic incompetence! If however your browsing this from an airport, good luck.....




This last picture is a very famous photo and is NOT photoshoped as many people would have you believe! The French/Dutch colony of St Martin/St Marteen (depending what part of the island you live on) in the Eastern Carribean. Boeing 747's often arrive and Depart from the tiny airport of called Princess Juliana International. It has a 7,708ft runway, which is one of the smallest in the world that regularly takes jumbo jets! Because the runway is so short aircraft have to make a lower angled landing to slow the plane down enough. But when the French do it it's just because they have fucked the landing up!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Olive Oil


Why do the French people have olive oil in everything they eat?

Actually they use olive oil to wash their hair with - the French are under the impression that to look like some revolting greasy scab is actually trendy! Greasy hair, greasy skin...For the French, they think it is sexy!

They have it in their food as well, because they like looking like some bloated wind machine!

French Sailor Shirt


YMCA....YMCA....The Village People were gay...The French are gay...YMCA....YMCA...What is the French obsession in wearing stripes? You often see French people with a sailor shirt, scarf around their necks and a beret, why? I appreciate that they are colour blind and also that they have no sense of Fashion, but to wear fancy dress every day of the week, what is that about??

French Ferries


The only good thing about a french ferry is that it is an escape route from France - on the downside to this is the fact that French people are also allowed to use it (personally I think there should be a ban on French migration - tougher laws needed!) On the one occasion I went on a french ferry it stunk heavily of piss, which on one hand I was shocked about, I had prepared my self that it would smell of cheese.

Imagine - being stuck at sea with a boat full of French people and nowhere to escape! Take a chance and sail on the Titanic!

The French as Doofy


It has been hard for me to find a film character that sums up everything I think about french men. For me, they are summed up by Doofy from Scary Movie - tastless, dim, simple, unfashionable, gross habits, repulsive to look at, repulsive in personlaity (lack of it!)

Cognac


Only the French are disgusting and tasteless enough to create an "achoholic" beverage that tastes of cough mixture. Their idea of a good night is sitting drinking cough mixture and picking at frogs legs whilst watching their vegetables grow. Big it up for France!

Patriotic Duty


As if this requires any explanation!

Prozac



....On visiting France you may well require prozac...or a gas oven...or a gun to shoot your brains out!

It truly is a depressing country - the people are miserable, the countryside is bland, the job prospects are no-exsistent, the people are un-friendly, the clothes are old fashioned.

If you leave France without seriously effecting your emotional well-being, then that can be deemed as one of the world's true miracles. There is a reason why French people leave their country, it is because it is dead-end, with no hope, no future!

Loyal Face Cloth



The loyal face cloth - to most of us this is seen as a tool for personal hygiene purposes, to keep us clean, to avoid acne, to wipe away sweat and to prevent gross smells.

To the hygiene-shy Frencn Nation, this is seen as a killer weapon. During the war it was not the guns and bombs that scared the French army shitless, but more the fact that they were expected to wash.

France loves its foul smelling odour, the loyal face cloth is not sold in this country.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Face Transplant



Surgery - Anyone want to suggest why a French person was the first human (if you can call them a human!) to have a face transplant? - My suggestion is because they are ugly.

I also think that they use the French for animal testing - they are not as important as other nationalities so test new treatments on them first before doing a proper job on other people.

Fumergation


I strongly recommend fumergation as a means to disinfect bacteria. France is largely contaminated and unhygienic - proved by the fact that they do not wash, do not wear clean clothes and do not shave.

Bring in the anti-contamination units.

A French Problem Requires a French Solution


What do you do when you have a french problem?? you find a French solution! So when i heard about the peugeot factory in Coventry closing i thought great less french crap in the world!! But it turns out like all other half decent french things Peugeot cars actually designed and made in Britain! So the wimpy french bastards are pulling out, fine go home! But with them leaving it means 2,300 British jobs will go! This is a major blow to the area and will cause many problems to many families. So whats the solution?? Well the T&G Union a considering striking to save the workers job! I think it might just work. The best way to make the french stay is to make it feel like home for them!!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Another Day...Another Riot


Another day in France means another riot. This time they are rioting outside McDonald's. This is because they have run out of cheese, a national disaster in France's terms. These Cheese eating surrender monkeys will riot for anything, an opportunity to use violence and show the world how incompotent they really are.

Channel Tunnel Blockade



Anyone ever thought about building a brick wall in the channel tunnel? I would also add 10 tonne of steel. For extra safety (in case the French manage to dig through) I would add sprinkler that spray deodrant, that way the French would never make it across the channel

French Cow Has BSE


Have I read correctly or has a French-Canadian Cow just been diagnosed with BSE? Or maybe it is just attention seeking - BSE is old news now. Even the French Cows are drama queens

Vichy France

So it seems the French have had a bit of a checkered history. First they have napoleon then we find out they were a puppet state of Nazi Germany during the second world war. Grance was at that point Vichy France (don't worry it was just as gay as regular france!) anyway, they activley fought against allied forces and was run by facists. Most shocking of all is the fact that Francois Mitterand, the man who is trying to kill free speach, domocracy and national identity throught europe recieved one of the nation highest honours!! So to any european people reading this please, please don't let this facist bastard drag you and your nation down!!

More to come on Vichy France in the next few days!!

French Portrait



I present to you a french portrait, a common object in any french household. The artist here has captured the frenchmans features superbly - you can see the cheek bones, the angel of death eyes and even the obesity.

Eurovision Song Contest



It's almost that time of year again - the contest for the promotion of european crap music (not that it has the right or creativity to be described as music). This is a contest from the truly untalented.

The French excel with this - they listen to such crap on a day-to-day basis - they are clueless about what constitutes something as good music and dance away to their radios and cassette players to rejects - those considered talentless in normal civilisations

Got that sinking feeling?


What is more funny than ripping the crap out of a French fisherman? Answer: looking at a picture of a sinking french fisherman! Look at them trying to catch fish in their rubber dingy. They managed to catch a goldfish, muddy boat, some onions and the eiffel tower.

French Market


It is a well know fact that French clothes are old and tatty. They stoop lower than charity shops and buy their clothes on market stalls - this is because they are cheap and spend their money on onions and cheese.

For foreginers visiting France - markets are an opportunity to rip the french off even more than usual and contribute to their failing economy

French Postbox


Is it a post box or is it a tampon vending machine? I am serious. You may also have noticed how small they are. That is because a majority of France cannot read and write and do not send letters. It tends to work a bit like the old days where Farmers will drive their tractors (to piss off motorists) and deliver mail by hand as they have nothing better to do with their time.

French Moustache


When you write as critical a blog as this it is often amusing to discover where you find your evidence.

This was funny - this picture of a very typical french moustache (worn by most french men - and women!) was found on a webiste for childrens halloween costumes. What I find amusing is the fact that the French are viewed as scary (I can see why kids would be frightened of them, for the plain reason that they are damn right peculiar.) So people of the world, if you fancy scaring people this Halloween the scariest thing you can dress as is a frenchman.

U.G.L.Y - You ugly!

Moving forward from my previous post...I would like to introduce you to the French look - U.G.L.Y.

On the rare occasion when French people wear make-up they make a big cock-up of it, generally painting their faces as a replica of either a clown or a graffitied railway bridge in East London - or from my point of view downtown Tampa. You will that this lady is also on the larger side of obese - my points justified!

Notre Dame


Notre Dame in gay Paris - you know where I mean - its thet ugly hunch-backed guy who gurns all the time, ring any bells? Disney made a film about the ugly fella!!!

Paris (and France in general!) is famous for hunch-backs and general ugliness - what a special thing to be famous for!! And you couldn't find a more fitting nation to represent such a notion.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

French Dictionary



No bloody point having one of these! The language they speak is a made up load of jibberish. And they do not speak, they shout, that is because they must be the centre of attention and they want everyone to hear how disturbed their lives are!

The French and Food



Dinner with the French is like a medieval feast - their aim? - to increase cholestaral, raise blood pressure and to gain a few stone in weight, complemented with liver damage caused by an excessive compulsion with booze with every meal.

In consideration with this is the fact that they rarely eat before 9pm each evening. They go to bed with full heavy stomachs in th hope that their stomachs will swell and their arteries furr up more than usual. My point is that they take little consideration into the impact of their unhealthy lifestyle. I wonder how many French people go to Weight Watchers? My thinking is very few.

Angel of Death


Following on from my previous post about the clinginess of the French, I now give you the Angel of Death! They sort of stalk you, like obessessive compulsive disorder, they find it difficult (or virtually impossible) to make friends as they have no social skills, hence the fact that once they get their claws into you, they will not tale no for an answer, afraid that friendship with you is their only hope!